Don't make out with my wife yet
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
