sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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