i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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