I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
