Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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