my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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