I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
The uberlube is also flammable
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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