Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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