I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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