I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
