apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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