very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
