I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
