Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
be right there i have to get my cape
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
