I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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