why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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