I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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