No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
