I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
