drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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