my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
