He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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