ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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