i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
