Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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