are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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