And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
