Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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