If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
