meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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