They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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