would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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