I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
