Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
