Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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