i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
she peed on how many people?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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