I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
