Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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