She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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