The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
