I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize
