Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
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you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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