So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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