I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
