i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
