i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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