Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
