How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
