There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
