I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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