My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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