how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
