How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
