ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
